The Superman/Superwoman Syndrome

Over the last few days, I have been doing an emotional inventory of sorts as part of a book that I am reading.  On page 24 of her book, A Course in Weight Loss, by Marianne Williamson, she gives an exercise to give you a "meaningful opportunity to see your light, by being courageous enough to look at your darkness."

As I have done this, I have realized how much emotional baggage I carry around with me all the time.  I carry my past, my hurts, my failures, my fears, my pains, my husband's and children's fears, pains and stresses.  I carry all of my responsibilities, my anxieties, my grief, my injustices, selfishness, and emotions from pain with me. Worst of all, I carry all of the blame and judgments that I have held against myself and others because I have not truly forgiven them.

As I did this work, I began to realize how much I have carried.  No wonder I am overweight, I am carrying too much in my energy field.  Over time, this settles in our bodies, because our bodies physically represent what we focus on energetically and emotionally.  By completing the writing assignment you write on many different emotions.  Then she has you to ask God to help you tear down the wall that you have built around yourself.  And to take all that you have been holding onto.  She uses different words and has more to the exercise.  I would encourage you to check the book out for yourself.

What I realized mostly from this is I have been behaving most of my life like Superwoman.  I can handle it, it is my job to handle it, it is my purpose to handle it all.  I have always believed in God and practiced that belief.  I pray and believe in prayer very much.  But somehow, I have never relinquished my control.  I ask for help, yes.  I even ask for His will to be done.  But I always have this part of me that believes, "I" can handle anything.  I am strong, I am courageous, see how much I have done, or how I have survived.  Yes, that is true, but God has always been with me or carrying me.  The truth is I tend to use Him as a back up plan or foundation of underlying support rather than a partner in my life.  He is at the core of who I am and I rely on His strength and love.  But Superwoman I am not.  The truth is we are at our strongest when we are allow ourselves to be vulnerable, admit we are weak, and ask for His help.

A big part of my lesson right now, is to let go of my burdens, and to give them to God.  That is where I am now.  I am giving Him my stresses, hurts, pains, painful emotions and asking Him to carry them for me.  It is no co-incidence that this is Lent (in the Christian religion and traditions).  Preparations are being made for Easter.  He is carrying the Cross for all of us, so that our sins may be forgiven and we can celebrate in the resurrection.  The resurrection offers new or renewed hope, new life and rebirth.  

I no longer need to be superwoman.  I never did.  I do need acknowledge and accept where I am.  I am releasing my need for control and my negative baggage.  I choose to forgive myself for my faults and fears and to forgive others who have hurt me and I have wrongly accused.  It is mostly my misperceptions that have kept me burdened and overwhelmed.  I choose to trust God and allow him to carry my burdens.  I choose to allow me to love myself and others, focusing on creating a life filled with love, joy and happiness.

I know that where my thoughts and emotions flow that the physical will manifest.  I know God is Love and He loves me.  I know God wants me to be free and happy.  I know God wants me to be healthy.  I know God wants me to trust and believe in Him and His power.  And I know that my light and life come from Him to I am here to be an example of  love and light to the world.  I am here as His disciple.  I am a divine child of God.  Created in His image of Love.  He is my Divine Father.  And each lesson I learn in life, brings me closer to Him and my divine nature as a child of God.

In Light & Love,
With Infinite Love & Gratitude for Life,
Debbie

Living as a martyr :(

I have been feeling better.  Opening up more and not feeling so victimized.  Since Ryan's session with me about 2 weeks ago, I have been more open to eating.  My general response to eating was all judgment and guilt based.  Ruled out so many foods as not good for me that there was not much I felt I could eat.  Then when I did, it was not enough or was binge eating.  Still not always making the healthiest choices, but I am eating more.

What I really need to increase is movement and water.  He is doing another session today, perhaps from then on I can work those in.

I'm paying attention to how my emotions are related to my eating.  When I am hurt, angry or bored, I eat.  I then feel guilt and withdraw into myself.  When I feel hurt, angry or anger comes my way I go immediately into a fear and survival mode. Over time, I would try to avoid any conflict.  I became a people pleaser and gave/give my power away to feel safe.  I have done this consciously and willingly.  I have hidden the anger and hurt.  Each time I forgive with a deep love.  But I have not been able to dispense of the hurt and anger within me.   The conflict of the love hate relationship gets more complicated with my earth shrine elements (Karla McKlaren - "Energetic Boundaries") and weak boundaries.

In essence, I absorb others emotions as my own.  It may be in the form of worry for children, being  over-sympathetic for another's problems, stress, or anger.

I have chosen to sacrifice myself for them, becoming a martyr. Using my energy as a conduit for them and their emotions., rather than thriving for my own life. I behave as if I am somehow protecting them but the reality is, I am not.  I am keeping them from growing and learning lessons that are their journey, not mine. My journey has become their journey.  That leaves me tired, lethargic, depressed and overweight.  In my mind, as a wife and mother my job is to love, guide and support my family.  I have been overly compassionate and sympathetic.

By turning my beliefs and behavior around and learning to honor my own life and boundaries I can teach them much more.  If I model self love and taking care of myself first instead of last I will model success for them.  

In light and love,
With infinite Love & Gratitude,
Debbie

A 2 yr old little girl loses her voice & stuffs her emotions

I have been hiding inside myself, building a cocoon of fat around me afraid of being hurt and of rejection.  Have I been hurt, yes.  Have I been rejected, yes.  I don't know of anyone who hasn't been hurt or rejected.  So what is it that has brought me to this place of being overweight and so emotionally challenged. Yes, emotions do have a big part to do with my being overweight.  I do not have a healthy relationship with food.  I eat when I am out of balance. I eat when I am happy (to celebrate) but mostly when I am sad, lonely, depressed, angry or when I have emotions that I stuff down with food.    When I am overwhelmed or experience many of the above emotions (save happiness) I eat unhealthy food.  At these times, I cannot find the courage or voice to speak out and express the emotion that I am feeling.

That alone would be enough to cause one to become overweight, but I also have tapes playing in my head.  These relate to what I eat and more importantly what I do not eat.  Diet books, t.v. programs, everywhere I turn tells me eat this, don't eat that.  So I have become very good at don't eat that cheese, it's not good for you, don't eat those chips, they aren't good for you.  Do eat this and this, but not with this.  So I now add quilt to my dysfunctional relationship with food.  That makes me eat even more.  The truth is I actually under eat and I'm getting fatter. I am the only one in my family who eats salad for lunch.  I try to avoid sugary foods and processed foods.  That works about half the time.  Nutritionally, my body is starving.

From my training and research two main issues are emotions and toxins.   The truth is that adipose or fat cells store "things" in them that are not good for us.  Our bodies are designed to work without our conscious involvement.  We don't tell it to pump blood or breathe it just does, so it takes nutrients and health from what is good for it.  What happens to the excess, or to the toxicity and how are emotions involved?  In order to save the vital organs, it stores the foods that are not nutritional and many toxins in the fat cells.  Our fat cells are actually protecting us from ourselves.  For more information, I recommend reading The Gabriel Method by Jon Gabriel.  

My husband, Ryan, has written a Lifeline Technique(R)  portal to use in conjunction with other techniques he has acquired.  He did a session on me about two weeks ago.  It was very powerful.  He uncovered a subconscious 2 year old part of me that could not find her voice and speak her truth.  That 2 year old little girl was hurt.  She also felt rejection.  She began a pattern of withdrawal and not speaking up for herself that eventually led to disability at 16 and obesity at 52.  I felt too small, inadequate and insignificant to speak up at age 2.  I did not feel wanted and loved.  It did not mean I was not loved and wanted.  I am an adult now, and I know that a child's perception is not the same as that of an adult, especially a parent,  A child cannot understand a parent's perception. And likewise a parent does not see or perceive the way a child does.  I am not blaming here.  There is no blame to be had.  I am saying that this 2 year old little part of me still remains feeling small, inadequate and insignificant.  As I grew chronically older, that 2 yr old pattern kept repeating over and over through the years.  Any time I felt rejected, hurt or unloved I was still unable to speak and stuffed the emotions inside.  Food was my comfort and friend and easily available.  I loved food.  And I hated food for the "control" it had over me.

In order to survive the body can, and in my case has become larger and is subconsciously shouting to the world, "look at me, don't you see me."  I am not small, inadequate or insignificant.  I am large. I am enough. I am significant.  Ironically, though the larger I get, the more invisible I feel.  People ignore me, don't want to relate to me, and ignore me.  

Where does that leave me?  Now what? Well, that two year old part of me had been happy. Now a child of divorce and a with a new dad; a part of me was not happy.  My subconscious was saying: "I'm not happy, I can't speak up, it's not safe to speak up." I withdrew.  I want to survive and live.  My life is not mine anymore. That's how it felt.  Part of my will had been broken.  Around the age of six I became a people pleaser.  I started giving up my own needs and desires to make others happy.  

As I became a mom myself, my nurturing and protection of my kids led me to taking on their emotions as well.  They weren't mine to take but I felt it was helping them.  Now I know it is their journey and not mine, but it has added to my weight.  

I am noticing myself changing.  The first thing I have noticed is that I am not judging what I eat like I did before.  If I want something, I eat it.  I also used to find myself saying, "leave the apples for the kids".   Now I am saying, "it's ok, you can have an apple too.  You deserve to be healthy.  I am nurturing myself.  I am also telling myself, I choose to be happy.  I am comfortable being happy.  I want to thrive." I have post it notes on my mirror saying, "I am comfortable being happy" and "I choose to thrive."  I am happier.   Each day, I have been feeling better emotionally.  The better I feel emotionally the more active I become.  I am at peace with the two year old part of me.  She now has a voice.  The more I let her speak the better I feel too.

The more I embrace myself, the more myself I become.

With Infinite Love & Gratitude,

Debbie