Living as a martyr :(

I have been feeling better.  Opening up more and not feeling so victimized.  Since Ryan's session with me about 2 weeks ago, I have been more open to eating.  My general response to eating was all judgment and guilt based.  Ruled out so many foods as not good for me that there was not much I felt I could eat.  Then when I did, it was not enough or was binge eating.  Still not always making the healthiest choices, but I am eating more.

What I really need to increase is movement and water.  He is doing another session today, perhaps from then on I can work those in.

I'm paying attention to how my emotions are related to my eating.  When I am hurt, angry or bored, I eat.  I then feel guilt and withdraw into myself.  When I feel hurt, angry or anger comes my way I go immediately into a fear and survival mode. Over time, I would try to avoid any conflict.  I became a people pleaser and gave/give my power away to feel safe.  I have done this consciously and willingly.  I have hidden the anger and hurt.  Each time I forgive with a deep love.  But I have not been able to dispense of the hurt and anger within me.   The conflict of the love hate relationship gets more complicated with my earth shrine elements (Karla McKlaren - "Energetic Boundaries") and weak boundaries.

In essence, I absorb others emotions as my own.  It may be in the form of worry for children, being  over-sympathetic for another's problems, stress, or anger.

I have chosen to sacrifice myself for them, becoming a martyr. Using my energy as a conduit for them and their emotions., rather than thriving for my own life. I behave as if I am somehow protecting them but the reality is, I am not.  I am keeping them from growing and learning lessons that are their journey, not mine. My journey has become their journey.  That leaves me tired, lethargic, depressed and overweight.  In my mind, as a wife and mother my job is to love, guide and support my family.  I have been overly compassionate and sympathetic.

By turning my beliefs and behavior around and learning to honor my own life and boundaries I can teach them much more.  If I model self love and taking care of myself first instead of last I will model success for them.  

In light and love,
With infinite Love & Gratitude,
Debbie