Tuesday, March 12, 2013

The Superman/Superwoman Syndrome

Over the last few days, I have been doing an emotional inventory of sorts as part of a book that I am reading.  On page 24 of her book, A Course in Weight Loss, by Marianne Williamson, she gives an exercise to give you a "meaningful opportunity to see your light, by being courageous enough to look at your darkness."

As I have done this, I have realized how much emotional baggage I carry around with me all the time.  I carry my past, my hurts, my failures, my fears, my pains, my husband's and children's fears, pains and stresses.  I carry all of my responsibilities, my anxieties, my grief, my injustices, selfishness, and emotions from pain with me. Worst of all, I carry all of the blame and judgments that I have held against myself and others because I have not truly forgiven them.

As I did this work, I began to realize how much I have carried.  No wonder I am overweight, I am carrying too much in my energy field.  Over time, this settles in our bodies, because our bodies physically represent what we focus on energetically and emotionally.  By completing the writing assignment you write on many different emotions.  Then she has you to ask God to help you tear down the wall that you have built around yourself.  And to take all that you have been holding onto.  She uses different words and has more to the exercise.  I would encourage you to check the book out for yourself.

What I realized mostly from this is I have been behaving most of my life like Superwoman.  I can handle it, it is my job to handle it, it is my purpose to handle it all.  I have always believed in God and practiced that belief.  I pray and believe in prayer very much.  But somehow, I have never relinquished my control.  I ask for help, yes.  I even ask for His will to be done.  But I always have this part of me that believes, "I" can handle anything.  I am strong, I am courageous, see how much I have done, or how I have survived.  Yes, that is true, but God has always been with me or carrying me.  The truth is I tend to use Him as a back up plan or foundation of underlying support rather than a partner in my life.  He is at the core of who I am and I rely on His strength and love.  But Superwoman I am not.  The truth is we are at our strongest when we are allow ourselves to be vulnerable, admit we are weak, and ask for His help.

A big part of my lesson right now, is to let go of my burdens, and to give them to God.  That is where I am now.  I am giving Him my stresses, hurts, pains, painful emotions and asking Him to carry them for me.  It is no co-incidence that this is Lent (in the Christian religion and traditions).  Preparations are being made for Easter.  He is carrying the Cross for all of us, so that our sins may be forgiven and we can celebrate in the resurrection.  The resurrection offers new or renewed hope, new life and rebirth.  

I no longer need to be superwoman.  I never did.  I do need acknowledge and accept where I am.  I am releasing my need for control and my negative baggage.  I choose to forgive myself for my faults and fears and to forgive others who have hurt me and I have wrongly accused.  It is mostly my misperceptions that have kept me burdened and overwhelmed.  I choose to trust God and allow him to carry my burdens.  I choose to allow me to love myself and others, focusing on creating a life filled with love, joy and happiness.

I know that where my thoughts and emotions flow that the physical will manifest.  I know God is Love and He loves me.  I know God wants me to be free and happy.  I know God wants me to be healthy.  I know God wants me to trust and believe in Him and His power.  And I know that my light and life come from Him to I am here to be an example of  love and light to the world.  I am here as His disciple.  I am a divine child of God.  Created in His image of Love.  He is my Divine Father.  And each lesson I learn in life, brings me closer to Him and my divine nature as a child of God.

In Light & Love,
With Infinite Love & Gratitude for Life,

Sunday, March 3, 2013

Living as a martyr :(

I have been feeling better.  Opening up more and not feeling so victimized.  Since Ryan's session with me about 2 weeks ago, I have been more open to eating.  My general response to eating was all judgment and guilt based.  Ruled out so many foods as not good for me that there was not much I felt I could eat.  Then when I did, it was not enough or was binge eating.  Still not always making the healthiest choices, but I am eating more.

What I really need to increase is movement and water.  He is doing another session today, perhaps from then on I can work those in.

I'm paying attention to how my emotions are related to my eating.  When I am hurt, angry or bored, I eat.  I then feel guilt and withdraw into myself.  When I feel hurt, angry or anger comes my way I go immediately into a fear and survival mode. Over time, I would try to avoid any conflict.  I became a people pleaser and gave/give my power away to feel safe.  I have done this consciously and willingly.  I have hidden the anger and hurt.  Each time I forgive with a deep love.  But I have not been able to dispense of the hurt and anger within me.   The conflict of the love hate relationship gets more complicated with my earth shrine elements (Karla McKlaren - "Energetic Boundaries") and weak boundaries.

In essence, I absorb others emotions as my own.  It may be in the form of worry for children, being  over-sympathetic for another's problems, stress, or anger.

I have chosen to sacrifice myself for them, becoming a martyr. Using my energy as a conduit for them and their emotions., rather than thriving for my own life. I behave as if I am somehow protecting them but the reality is, I am not.  I am keeping them from growing and learning lessons that are their journey, not mine. My journey has become their journey.  That leaves me tired, lethargic, depressed and overweight.  In my mind, as a wife and mother my job is to love, guide and support my family.  I have been overly compassionate and sympathetic.

By turning my beliefs and behavior around and learning to honor my own life and boundaries I can teach them much more.  If I model self love and taking care of myself first instead of last I will model success for them.  

In light and love,
With infinite Love & Gratitude,

Friday, March 1, 2013

A 2 yr old little girl loses her voice & stuffs her emotions

I have been hiding inside myself, building a cocoon of fat around me afraid of being hurt and of rejection.  Have I been hurt, yes.  Have I been rejected, yes.  I don't know of anyone who hasn't been hurt or rejected.  So what is it that has brought me to this place of being overweight and so emotionally challenged. Yes, emotions do have a big part to do with my being overweight.  I do not have a healthy relationship with food.  I eat when I am out of balance. I eat when I am happy (to celebrate) but mostly when I am sad, lonely, depressed, angry or when I have emotions that I stuff down with food.    When I am overwhelmed or experience many of the above emotions (save happiness) I eat unhealthy food.  At these times, I cannot find the courage or voice to speak out and express the emotion that I am feeling.

That alone would be enough to cause one to become overweight, but I also have tapes playing in my head.  These relate to what I eat and more importantly what I do not eat.  Diet books, t.v. programs, everywhere I turn tells me eat this, don't eat that.  So I have become very good at don't eat that cheese, it's not good for you, don't eat those chips, they aren't good for you.  Do eat this and this, but not with this.  So I now add quilt to my dysfunctional relationship with food.  That makes me eat even more.  The truth is I actually under eat and I'm getting fatter. I am the only one in my family who eats salad for lunch.  I try to avoid sugary foods and processed foods.  That works about half the time.  Nutritionally, my body is starving.

From my training and research two main issues are emotions and toxins.   The truth is that adipose or fat cells store "things" in them that are not good for us.  Our bodies are designed to work without our conscious involvement.  We don't tell it to pump blood or breathe it just does, so it takes nutrients and health from what is good for it.  What happens to the excess, or to the toxicity and how are emotions involved?  In order to save the vital organs, it stores the foods that are not nutritional and many toxins in the fat cells.  Our fat cells are actually protecting us from ourselves.  For more information, I recommend reading The Gabriel Method by Jon Gabriel.  

My husband, Ryan, has written a Lifeline Technique(R)  portal to use in conjunction with other techniques he has acquired.  He did a session on me about two weeks ago.  It was very powerful.  He uncovered a subconscious 2 year old part of me that could not find her voice and speak her truth.  That 2 year old little girl was hurt.  She also felt rejection.  She began a pattern of withdrawal and not speaking up for herself that eventually led to disability at 16 and obesity at 52.  I felt too small, inadequate and insignificant to speak up at age 2.  I did not feel wanted and loved.  It did not mean I was not loved and wanted.  I am an adult now, and I know that a child's perception is not the same as that of an adult, especially a parent,  A child cannot understand a parent's perception. And likewise a parent does not see or perceive the way a child does.  I am not blaming here.  There is no blame to be had.  I am saying that this 2 year old little part of me still remains feeling small, inadequate and insignificant.  As I grew chronically older, that 2 yr old pattern kept repeating over and over through the years.  Any time I felt rejected, hurt or unloved I was still unable to speak and stuffed the emotions inside.  Food was my comfort and friend and easily available.  I loved food.  And I hated food for the "control" it had over me.

In order to survive the body can, and in my case has become larger and is subconsciously shouting to the world, "look at me, don't you see me."  I am not small, inadequate or insignificant.  I am large. I am enough. I am significant.  Ironically, though the larger I get, the more invisible I feel.  People ignore me, don't want to relate to me, and ignore me.  

Where does that leave me?  Now what? Well, that two year old part of me had been happy. Now a child of divorce and a with a new dad; a part of me was not happy.  My subconscious was saying: "I'm not happy, I can't speak up, it's not safe to speak up." I withdrew.  I want to survive and live.  My life is not mine anymore. That's how it felt.  Part of my will had been broken.  Around the age of six I became a people pleaser.  I started giving up my own needs and desires to make others happy.  

As I became a mom myself, my nurturing and protection of my kids led me to taking on their emotions as well.  They weren't mine to take but I felt it was helping them.  Now I know it is their journey and not mine, but it has added to my weight.  

I am noticing myself changing.  The first thing I have noticed is that I am not judging what I eat like I did before.  If I want something, I eat it.  I also used to find myself saying, "leave the apples for the kids".   Now I am saying, "it's ok, you can have an apple too.  You deserve to be healthy.  I am nurturing myself.  I am also telling myself, I choose to be happy.  I am comfortable being happy.  I want to thrive." I have post it notes on my mirror saying, "I am comfortable being happy" and "I choose to thrive."  I am happier.   Each day, I have been feeling better emotionally.  The better I feel emotionally the more active I become.  I am at peace with the two year old part of me.  She now has a voice.  The more I let her speak the better I feel too.

The more I embrace myself, the more myself I become.
With Infinite Love & Gratitude,

Thursday, February 28, 2013

From can't to I believe.

From I can't to I believe.

In the last post I talk about using our thoughts and whispers from spirit to find new thoughts and beliefs.  This change can be a baby step or a leap.  It all depends on how open you are to new ideas and how far you can stretch your imagination.  Then you take a leap of faith, which may make you feel vulnerable.  After all you are looking for something new.  That can be a bit scary.  But to face our challenges brings us bit by bit out of our comfort zone. Remember Cant does not exist anymore he is now Ibelieve.  So lets look through the eyes of Ibelieve.

Ibelieve knows where he is in his current situation.  Picture your challenge or fear that you want to change.
Now picture you in your new reality.  If it is weight loss, or a healthier lifestyle for you then picture yourself the way you want to be.  Imagine yourself feeling healthier.  Think thoughts of I believe I can be a healthier.  I believe I can add ten minutes of exercise or stretching in my day.  I believe I can eat one more fruit or vegetable than I did today.  I believe I can find a friend or someone to call and support me on this journey.

Maybe you are shy and want to communicate better and be more confident.  Picture yourself being friendly and approaching someone new and starting a conversation.  Make it easy and superficial at first.  Try to do that once each day.  Maybe after a week or so, you feel comfortable with a particular person, ask them if they would like to meet for coffee or join you in an activity you enjoy.  

The key here is not to jump to success and instant transformation.  It is about focusing of believing you can do this.  It will take practice and affirmations several times each day.  I can.  I can.  I can.  I want to.  I will.  I have support.  The goal is to get to a place where you can picture yourself being this new you.  Focus on FEELING that way.  Let that feeling grow.  If it is thin, feel thin.  If it is confident feel confident.  Smile confidently.  Tell yourself you can't help but feel confident.  It's your nature.  I am confident, or thin, or brave, or etc.  Whatever your challenge or stress is make a step or write a plan to help you reach your goal. Commit to yourself to that goal.  Forget about the past all that exists is this moment and the goal ahead of you.

When Ego B. Mind starts interrupting your new thoughts and beliefs tell him to go away.  He is no longer serving you because you won't accept anything less than success.  Ask Spirit Lead Me to come and reinforce your new beliefs and chase the old patterns away.  Spirit will always remind you anything is possible and not to give up.  Feel the determination and go back to feeling I believe again.  

Commit yourself to doing this for 1 week. Put post it notes around your house. Set an alarm on your phone and do your affirmation each time it goes off.  See how you feel.  Keep up the practice.  Smile at yourself and others.  Belief is always in you.  

I have done this and am doing it again with you now, so let's get started. It's never to late to begin!

With Infinite Love and Gratitude!

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Belief and success

In order to move forward and make success a reality, we must look at and acknowledge where we have been and are.  It is a matter of getting a broader perspective on one's situation and also of owning where you are now.  Much like someone who has fallen into a deep ravine.  You look up and note where you are and assess what the situation is so you can make a plan to move forward.   Your initial reaction may be shock, denial, rejection or loss of will or hope.  You may say there is no way, I can't, I don't know how, or I don't have what I need to get out of this situation.  The outcome totally results from your choices.

Some people will choose to make no decision seeing no way out.  I will call him Cant.  Cant becomes paralyzed with fear and inaction because he feels he has no choice becomes a victim.  The key here is what is he a victim to. Is Cant really a victim of circumstance or to the thoughts and beliefs in his mind?  Cant believes and feels he will stay in this ravine.

Another person falls into that same ravine.  We will call him Will.  He assesses the situation.  He sees no way out but opens his mind to other possibilities.  Will starts using the power of imagination .  Will refuses to accept being stuck.  "I want to get out of here.  I want to live.  I want to see my family again.  I choose life."  Will takes small steps, one at a time until success is achieved.  Will actively believes and feels himself getting out and does.

Cant has developed a pattern of giving in.  Repeated failures have left him weak and beaten down.  Cant suffers low self esteem and determination.  He has lost his strength and inner voice.  His best friend has become Ego B. Mind.  He needs a new friend,  That friend is Spirit Lead Me.

Still lost in the ravine Cant looses his friend Mind.  And meets Spirit.  Spirit begins to talk to him, first in whispers.  "Anything is possible.  Don't give up.  Believe there is a way."  Cant starts to believe.  As his belief grows he begins to feel determined.  He chooses a different outcome and learns to succeed.

Knowing that he has been given a second chance at life he changes his name to Ibelieve.

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Weight, Depression and Freedom: A Journey of Love

Months have crept by since I last blogged and also have extra and unwanted pounds slowly crept into my tissues.  It's winter now.  It is a time to  go within, find comfort, warmth and solitude.  If I were a bear I would be well prepared for a long winter.  Winter is a time for reflection.  Sometimes, we stay in winter mode for longer than the winter months.  That has been my state.  I haven't blogged for over a year. Wow.  Where have I been?  I asked myself that question.  I don't really know. Hours turned into days, and days into a year and a half.  Busy, occupied and sometimes lost. Life happened and I withdrew and escaped into it and myself.  I have had a broken leg, been in the hospital and therapy for 3-6 months.  Still not recuperated, actually have lots of work to go.  In the process I have gained more weight and struggle to keep myself going.  I have grieved what happened and where I am.  I have been angry and resentful.  I have prayed for help, of course looking for a specific outcome.  That outcome has not happened because I have not taken action to make it come about.  Now I'm tired of grieving. tired of going downhill.  From deep inside me my soul is calling me to wake up, find and claim my own strength. I have been looking outside of myself for someone or something to help me.  And I have had help.  I have received LifeLine sessions and energy work that have revealed hurt and the loss of my own voice or inability to speak up for myself.  I have been learning very important lessons during this time. I have been writing in my journal and discovering thought patterns and false beliefs that I have been replaying in my head.  They have not been helping me.  They have kept me trapped.  I have been living in the past, which really translates to existing but not really living at all.   The help I need comes from within and has always been inside of me.  It comes from my inner-self, my heart and my soul.  I come from God, from the divine.  I am a spark which emanates from the One Divine Living Flame we call God. I have been denying that I am a child of God and that my strength comes from him.

So rather than listen to the voice in my head that says, I can't do this, or it's too hard to do that; I am choosing to listen to my heart.  My heart tells me that all things are possible.  My heart tells me to love myself and to take care of myself.  It tells me I have all that I need and to live with gratitude.  It tells me I am alive and to celebrate that life.

It is snowing heavily outside.  The first heavy snow of the winter even though it is the end of February.  The huge heavy flakes are falling like rain.  Which is rather ironic because inside me I feel like spring.  Ready to burst forth with renewed energy and full of belief in myself.  I can see myself getting better and wanting to put forth the effort to get better.  I really feel like I can do it.

I am going to share this with you.  I will be telling you what I have discovered about myself recently and what changes  are taking place.  So pull up a chair, a cup of coffee and a tall glass of good healthy water and listen while I tell a story about me and perhaps about you too.  For we are all children of God, in search of our own divine spark of life, joy and happiness from within!

A Journey shared with heartfelt Infinite Love and Gratitude,

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Stress Relief

We all have times we are overloaded with stress. We need a quick way to transmute our feelings to get through the moment. That is what I want to share with you today. The stress will still need to be faced and the root causes revealed, however when it is a 10 out of 10, you can do one of the following!

I think my favorite way is visualization.

Close your eyes and envision a bridge in front of you. On the other side of the bridge is where you want to be. The land of_____. It might be peaceful, happy, relaxed... What ever it is, it is NOT Stress. In might be in control, in charge, confident, powerful. See what you want to be on the other side of that bridge. Give it color, focus, zoom in, what do you see, what do you feel. Now step on that bridge. Keep your focus on the other side. Allow yourself to become a part of the other side. Take another step. Feel yourself changing. Feel the emotions shift. With each step, you feel more enabled and happier. As you reach the top of the bridge, look down and across the view on the other side. You can see it all now. Your awareness of it is vivid and you are feeling your excitement build as you realize you are always in control and can choose to release stress in any form and let things be as they are. You do not need to hold it, move through and allow yourself to look back on the other side of the bridge. Where you came from, it is behind you, a part of your past. You now choose what path you are going to take to be in the Land of I am____. Walk or run across the remainder of the bridge, allowing yourself to feel your feet hit the ground on the other side. Become part of the environment there. You have envisioned it. Now create it!

Another way I find very helpful is to ground yourself.

Take a deep breath in. As you breathe out, allow the stress you are holding to go down to the earth. Let it go through the topsoil, through the clay, through the rock, through the water, to the core of the earth. The earth will transform and purify it. The earth will filter and take out all stress and return to you her constant love and nurturing. Keep breathing in and out feeling calmer and more loved with each breath. All is well, all is good. Let the breath continue to flow. You can also view yourself with water pouring over you, washing away the stress and cleansing you, leaving you refreshed and revitalized. As you breath in again, allow yourself to let to of the stress, feel yourself relaxing. You have the newness of a flower opening up with the sunshine enveloping it. Keep doing this until you really feel the energy of being refreshed.

With infinite Love and Gratitude to you!