Living as a martyr :(

I have been feeling better.  Opening up more and not feeling so victimized.  Since Ryan's session with me about 2 weeks ago, I have been more open to eating.  My general response to eating was all judgment and guilt based.  Ruled out so many foods as not good for me that there was not much I felt I could eat.  Then when I did, it was not enough or was binge eating.  Still not always making the healthiest choices, but I am eating more.

What I really need to increase is movement and water.  He is doing another session today, perhaps from then on I can work those in.

I'm paying attention to how my emotions are related to my eating.  When I am hurt, angry or bored, I eat.  I then feel guilt and withdraw into myself.  When I feel hurt, angry or anger comes my way I go immediately into a fear and survival mode. Over time, I would try to avoid any conflict.  I became a people pleaser and gave/give my power away to feel safe.  I have done this consciously and willingly.  I have hidden the anger and hurt.  Each time I forgive with a deep love.  But I have not been able to dispense of the hurt and anger within me.   The conflict of the love hate relationship gets more complicated with my earth shrine elements (Karla McKlaren - "Energetic Boundaries") and weak boundaries.

In essence, I absorb others emotions as my own.  It may be in the form of worry for children, being  over-sympathetic for another's problems, stress, or anger.

I have chosen to sacrifice myself for them, becoming a martyr. Using my energy as a conduit for them and their emotions., rather than thriving for my own life. I behave as if I am somehow protecting them but the reality is, I am not.  I am keeping them from growing and learning lessons that are their journey, not mine. My journey has become their journey.  That leaves me tired, lethargic, depressed and overweight.  In my mind, as a wife and mother my job is to love, guide and support my family.  I have been overly compassionate and sympathetic.

By turning my beliefs and behavior around and learning to honor my own life and boundaries I can teach them much more.  If I model self love and taking care of myself first instead of last I will model success for them.  

In light and love,
With infinite Love & Gratitude,
Debbie

A 2 yr old little girl loses her voice & stuffs her emotions

I have been hiding inside myself, building a cocoon of fat around me afraid of being hurt and of rejection.  Have I been hurt, yes.  Have I been rejected, yes.  I don't know of anyone who hasn't been hurt or rejected.  So what is it that has brought me to this place of being overweight and so emotionally challenged. Yes, emotions do have a big part to do with my being overweight.  I do not have a healthy relationship with food.  I eat when I am out of balance. I eat when I am happy (to celebrate) but mostly when I am sad, lonely, depressed, angry or when I have emotions that I stuff down with food.    When I am overwhelmed or experience many of the above emotions (save happiness) I eat unhealthy food.  At these times, I cannot find the courage or voice to speak out and express the emotion that I am feeling.

That alone would be enough to cause one to become overweight, but I also have tapes playing in my head.  These relate to what I eat and more importantly what I do not eat.  Diet books, t.v. programs, everywhere I turn tells me eat this, don't eat that.  So I have become very good at don't eat that cheese, it's not good for you, don't eat those chips, they aren't good for you.  Do eat this and this, but not with this.  So I now add quilt to my dysfunctional relationship with food.  That makes me eat even more.  The truth is I actually under eat and I'm getting fatter. I am the only one in my family who eats salad for lunch.  I try to avoid sugary foods and processed foods.  That works about half the time.  Nutritionally, my body is starving.

From my training and research two main issues are emotions and toxins.   The truth is that adipose or fat cells store "things" in them that are not good for us.  Our bodies are designed to work without our conscious involvement.  We don't tell it to pump blood or breathe it just does, so it takes nutrients and health from what is good for it.  What happens to the excess, or to the toxicity and how are emotions involved?  In order to save the vital organs, it stores the foods that are not nutritional and many toxins in the fat cells.  Our fat cells are actually protecting us from ourselves.  For more information, I recommend reading The Gabriel Method by Jon Gabriel.  

My husband, Ryan, has written a Lifeline Technique(R)  portal to use in conjunction with other techniques he has acquired.  He did a session on me about two weeks ago.  It was very powerful.  He uncovered a subconscious 2 year old part of me that could not find her voice and speak her truth.  That 2 year old little girl was hurt.  She also felt rejection.  She began a pattern of withdrawal and not speaking up for herself that eventually led to disability at 16 and obesity at 52.  I felt too small, inadequate and insignificant to speak up at age 2.  I did not feel wanted and loved.  It did not mean I was not loved and wanted.  I am an adult now, and I know that a child's perception is not the same as that of an adult, especially a parent,  A child cannot understand a parent's perception. And likewise a parent does not see or perceive the way a child does.  I am not blaming here.  There is no blame to be had.  I am saying that this 2 year old little part of me still remains feeling small, inadequate and insignificant.  As I grew chronically older, that 2 yr old pattern kept repeating over and over through the years.  Any time I felt rejected, hurt or unloved I was still unable to speak and stuffed the emotions inside.  Food was my comfort and friend and easily available.  I loved food.  And I hated food for the "control" it had over me.

In order to survive the body can, and in my case has become larger and is subconsciously shouting to the world, "look at me, don't you see me."  I am not small, inadequate or insignificant.  I am large. I am enough. I am significant.  Ironically, though the larger I get, the more invisible I feel.  People ignore me, don't want to relate to me, and ignore me.  

Where does that leave me?  Now what? Well, that two year old part of me had been happy. Now a child of divorce and a with a new dad; a part of me was not happy.  My subconscious was saying: "I'm not happy, I can't speak up, it's not safe to speak up." I withdrew.  I want to survive and live.  My life is not mine anymore. That's how it felt.  Part of my will had been broken.  Around the age of six I became a people pleaser.  I started giving up my own needs and desires to make others happy.  

As I became a mom myself, my nurturing and protection of my kids led me to taking on their emotions as well.  They weren't mine to take but I felt it was helping them.  Now I know it is their journey and not mine, but it has added to my weight.  

I am noticing myself changing.  The first thing I have noticed is that I am not judging what I eat like I did before.  If I want something, I eat it.  I also used to find myself saying, "leave the apples for the kids".   Now I am saying, "it's ok, you can have an apple too.  You deserve to be healthy.  I am nurturing myself.  I am also telling myself, I choose to be happy.  I am comfortable being happy.  I want to thrive." I have post it notes on my mirror saying, "I am comfortable being happy" and "I choose to thrive."  I am happier.   Each day, I have been feeling better emotionally.  The better I feel emotionally the more active I become.  I am at peace with the two year old part of me.  She now has a voice.  The more I let her speak the better I feel too.

The more I embrace myself, the more myself I become.

With Infinite Love & Gratitude,

Debbie  

From can't to I believe.

From I can't to I believe.

In the last post I talk about using our thoughts and whispers from spirit to find new thoughts and beliefs.  This change can be a baby step or a leap.  It all depends on how open you are to new ideas and how far you can stretch your imagination.  Then you take a leap of faith, which may make you feel vulnerable.  After all you are looking for something new.  That can be a bit scary.  But to face our challenges brings us bit by bit out of our comfort zone. Remember Cant does not exist anymore he is now Ibelieve.  So lets look through the eyes of Ibelieve.

Ibelieve knows where he is in his current situation.  Picture your challenge or fear that you want to change.

Now picture you in your new reality.  If it is weight loss, or a healthier lifestyle for you then picture yourself the way you want to be.  Imagine yourself feeling healthier.  Think thoughts of I believe I can be a healthier.  I believe I can add ten minutes of exercise or stretching in my day.  I believe I can eat one more fruit or vegetable than I did today.  I believe I can find a friend or someone to call and support me on this journey.

Maybe you are shy and want to communicate better and be more confident.  Picture yourself being friendly and approaching someone new and starting a conversation.  Make it easy and superficial at first.  Try to do that once each day.  Maybe after a week or so, you feel comfortable with a particular person, ask them if they would like to meet for coffee or join you in an activity you enjoy.  

The key here is not to jump to success and instant transformation.  It is about focusing of believing you can do this.  It will take practice and affirmations several times each day.  I can.  I can.  I can.  I want to.  I will.  I have support.  The goal is to get to a place where you can picture yourself being this new you.  Focus on FEELING that way.  Let that feeling grow.  If it is thin, feel thin.  If it is confident feel confident.  Smile confidently.  Tell yourself you can't help but feel confident.  It's your nature.  I am confident, or thin, or brave, or etc.  Whatever your challenge or stress is make a step or write a plan to help you reach your goal. Commit to yourself to that goal.  Forget about the past all that exists is this moment and the goal ahead of you.

When Ego B. Mind starts interrupting your new thoughts and beliefs tell him to go away.  He is no longer serving you because you won't accept anything less than success.  Ask Spirit Lead Me to come and reinforce your new beliefs and chase the old patterns away.  Spirit will always remind you anything is possible and not to give up.  Feel the determination and go back to feeling I believe again.  

Commit yourself to doing this for 1 week. Put post it notes around your house. Set an alarm on your phone and do your affirmation each time it goes off.  See how you feel.  Keep up the practice.  Smile at yourself and others.  Belief is always in you.  

I have done this and am doing it again with you now, so let's get started. It's never to late to begin!

With Infinite Love and Gratitude!

Debbie

Belief and success

In order to move forward and make success a reality, we must look at and acknowledge where we have been and are.  It is a matter of getting a broader perspective on one's situation and also of owning where you are now.  Much like someone who has fallen into a deep ravine.  You look up and note where you are and assess what the situation is so you can make a plan to move forward.   Your initial reaction may be shock, denial, rejection or loss of will or hope.  You may say there is no way, I can't, I don't know how, or I don't have what I need to get out of this situation.  The outcome totally results from your choices.

Some people will choose to make no decision seeing no way out.  I will call him Cant.  Cant becomes paralyzed with fear and inaction because he feels he has no choice becomes a victim.  The key here is what is he a victim to. Is Cant really a victim of circumstance or to the thoughts and beliefs in his mind?  Cant believes and feels he will stay in this ravine.

Another person falls into that same ravine.  We will call him Will.  He assesses the situation.  He sees no way out but opens his mind to other possibilities.  Will starts using the power of imagination .  Will refuses to accept being stuck.  "I want to get out of here.  I want to live.  I want to see my family again.  I choose life."  Will takes small steps, one at a time until success is achieved.  Will actively believes and feels himself getting out and does.

Cant has developed a pattern of giving in.  Repeated failures have left him weak and beaten down.  Cant suffers low self esteem and determination.  He has lost his strength and inner voice.  His best friend has become Ego B. Mind.  He needs a new friend,  That friend is Spirit Lead Me.

Still lost in the ravine Cant looses his friend Mind.  And meets Spirit.  Spirit begins to talk to him, first in whispers.  "Anything is possible.  Don't give up.  Believe there is a way."  Cant starts to believe.  As his belief grows he begins to feel determined.  He chooses a different outcome and learns to succeed.

Knowing that he has been given a second chance at life he changes his name to Ibelieve.
 

Weight, Depression and Freedom: A Journey of Love

Months have crept by since I last blogged and also have extra and unwanted pounds slowly crept into my tissues.  It's winter now.  It is a time to  go within, find comfort, warmth and solitude.  If I were a bear I would be well prepared for a long winter.  Winter is a time for reflection.  Sometimes, we stay in winter mode for longer than the winter months.  That has been my state.  I haven't blogged for over a year. Wow.  Where have I been?  I asked myself that question.  I don't really know. Hours turned into days, and days into a year and a half.  Busy, occupied and sometimes lost. Life happened and I withdrew and escaped into it and myself.  I have had a broken leg, been in the hospital and therapy for 3-6 months.  Still not recuperated, actually have lots of work to go.  In the process I have gained more weight and struggle to keep myself going.  I have grieved what happened and where I am.  I have been angry and resentful.  I have prayed for help, of course looking for a specific outcome.  That outcome has not happened because I have not taken action to make it come about.  Now I'm tired of grieving. tired of going downhill.  From deep inside me my soul is calling me to wake up, find and claim my own strength. I have been looking outside of myself for someone or something to help me.  And I have had help.  I have received LifeLine sessions and energy work that have revealed hurt and the loss of my own voice or inability to speak up for myself.  I have been learning very important lessons during this time. I have been writing in my journal and discovering thought patterns and false beliefs that I have been replaying in my head.  They have not been helping me.  They have kept me trapped.  I have been living in the past, which really translates to existing but not really living at all.   The help I need comes from within and has always been inside of me.  It comes from my inner-self, my heart and my soul.  I come from God, from the divine.  I am a spark which emanates from the One Divine Living Flame we call God. I have been denying that I am a child of God and that my strength comes from him.

So rather than listen to the voice in my head that says, I can't do this, or it's too hard to do that; I am choosing to listen to my heart.  My heart tells me that all things are possible.  My heart tells me to love myself and to take care of myself.  It tells me I have all that I need and to live with gratitude.  It tells me I am alive and to celebrate that life.

It is snowing heavily outside.  The first heavy snow of the winter even though it is the end of February.  The huge heavy flakes are falling like rain.  Which is rather ironic because inside me I feel like spring.  Ready to burst forth with renewed energy and full of belief in myself.  I can see myself getting better and wanting to put forth the effort to get better.  I really feel like I can do it.

I am going to share this with you.  I will be telling you what I have discovered about myself recently and what changes  are taking place.  So pull up a chair, a cup of coffee and a tall glass of good healthy water and listen while I tell a story about me and perhaps about you too.  For we are all children of God, in search of our own divine spark of life, joy and happiness from within!

A Journey shared with heartfelt Infinite Love and Gratitude,
Debbie

Stress Relief

We all have times we are overloaded with stress. We need a quick way to transmute our feelings to get through the moment. That is what I want to share with you today. The stress will still need to be faced and the root causes revealed, however when it is a 10 out of 10, you can do one of the following!

I think my favorite way is visualization.

Close your eyes and envision a bridge in front of you. On the other side of the bridge is where you want to be. The land of_____. It might be peaceful, happy, relaxed... What ever it is, it is NOT Stress. In might be in control, in charge, confident, powerful. See what you want to be on the other side of that bridge. Give it color, focus, zoom in, what do you see, what do you feel. Now step on that bridge. Keep your focus on the other side. Allow yourself to become a part of the other side. Take another step. Feel yourself changing. Feel the emotions shift. With each step, you feel more enabled and happier. As you reach the top of the bridge, look down and across the view on the other side. You can see it all now. Your awareness of it is vivid and you are feeling your excitement build as you realize you are always in control and can choose to release stress in any form and let things be as they are. You do not need to hold it, move through and allow yourself to look back on the other side of the bridge. Where you came from, it is behind you, a part of your past. You now choose what path you are going to take to be in the Land of I am____. Walk or run across the remainder of the bridge, allowing yourself to feel your feet hit the ground on the other side. Become part of the environment there. You have envisioned it. Now create it!

Another way I find very helpful is to ground yourself.

Take a deep breath in. As you breathe out, allow the stress you are holding to go down to the earth. Let it go through the topsoil, through the clay, through the rock, through the water, to the core of the earth. The earth will transform and purify it. The earth will filter and take out all stress and return to you her constant love and nurturing. Keep breathing in and out feeling calmer and more loved with each breath. All is well, all is good. Let the breath continue to flow. You can also view yourself with water pouring over you, washing away the stress and cleansing you, leaving you refreshed and revitalized. As you breath in again, allow yourself to let to of the stress, feel yourself relaxing. You have the newness of a flower opening up with the sunshine enveloping it. Keep doing this until you really feel the energy of being refreshed.

With infinite Love and Gratitude to you!

Debbie

Your energy ball

We each give out energy. Our center is energy. The core of who we are. We are created as beings of pure love energy. As we grow the energy flows through us easily with love or it can become clouded, tainted and dense if we become filled with fear and "negativity". If we do not know how to release these emotions of fear and negativity they become part of who we are. We then project that energy out to others and our world. I am reflecting my life and energy outwards. You are reflecting your life and energy outwards as well.

The question is what are we each accepting and then choosing to reflect and project out. We may not even be aware of the beliefs and energies that we have taken on. The first step is to examine and question our current state of awareness. Our choices now poses several other questions. First, is whether you are reflecting the past, present or future? If you are reflecting your past, you are reliving part of your past and keeping much of your energy bogged down with what if's, I wish, or if only's. That is usually not positive energy, because if the past was positive you would be focusing your energy on the present or future. If your energy is being focused in the future, you are probably very busy and may have a combination of energies you work in and out of. So your energy may give out conflicting signals. If you are living for the future while not liking what you are doing you are probably unhappy. I am pretty confident that if you are choosing to live in either of these states, you are in fact unhappy? Why? Because you are not living in this moment, in your own power. You believe either that you have no choice and are stuck in the past or that you have to sacrifice yourself for the future, both prevent you from living in the present. Did you realize that you have another choice, which is to live in the present? If you are focused in the present, chances are you are well balanced and are sending out loving energy, because you are present in mind, body and spirit right now. You are probably calm, peaceful and happy.

The second consideration is if you are choosing to reflect from your inner self of who you are or are you mirroring from the beliefs of your family, culture or society? If you have been successful an balancing your emotional, spiritual and physical health, you are probably very confident, secure and living from your own sense of self. You would then be connected to your inner self and not preoccupied with what others think, want or reflect.

Third, what is your life's purpose and passion. What powers YOU? Do you own your power of self understanding and self love being connected to the world and universe in a harmonious and beneficial way. Have you found your place in the world? Are you choosing to reflect from your inner self of who you are deep in your core or are you mirroring from the beliefs of your family, culture or society? We often believe that we need this or that to be happy. We have been told that this is necessary or is demanded. Deep within each of us is the common truth? What should or do we need to do to survive or be productive? We may believe that we are unworthy, not confident, unable, or unsafe to be happy. We either live from limiting ourselves and not being true to our own spirit or we allow ourselves to be driven by our spirit. From this place we allow life to flow with ease. We are each born worthy, we are each born with potential and unlimited possibilities.

There is one truth that rings true with my soul. That truth is that everything is energy. We are energy, the same energy that we are created from. Inside each of us is a spark of light, our soul a part of the divine. Our bodies are uniquely designed to flow and grow. How our energy moves and grows is based upon the perceptions and beliefs that we have accepted as truth. But these perceptions and beliefs are not really truths. We are here to grow and learn. But many of us have been or are lost. We become lost in our stories, our pasts, our cultures, our limits, our dreams or our nightmares. We become lost in thoughts instead of living from our spirit within.

I'm gonna ask you to close your eyes and imagine yourself in a peaceful and serene area. You are happy and content. There is an abundance of beauty and nature in all its glory around you. Your heart is alive and joyful. You sense harmony. Birds are singing, trees are lush, flowers and plant and animal life thrive. Expand that feeling? Pay attention to what is around you. What time is it, what year is it., who is with you? What do you picture?

Everything you need is yours. What is this utopia that you are picturing?

For me it is harmony, communion with nature, people, animals and all plant life. There are loved ones and friends. I live on the land, planting and thriving with all life. I don't need things, or to be entertained, so to speak. I live with the spark of life of the Divine communicating to and through me. It is simple. It is freeing. It is joyful. It is love. There is no fear. There just is an infinite universe of love, harmony and existence. There is community, sharing, acceptance, love, compassion and peaceful interaction.

In this vision, everything is connected. Everything is part of the same energy. Reacting and responding to everything around it. The wind blows the tree branches sway. Everything has an effect to everything else. A push/pull but everything balances out.

Our lives are the same. We reflect out and affect others and our environment. A ripple effect is created. Hate produces anger, anger produces hate. When a different perception is accepted or we refuse to accept that energy because we realize it is untrue, the hate transforms. If you own your power, refuse to accept another's anger or hate you can remain in the present moment AND you can have an effect upon them, because at the very least they will wonder why you don't care about their anger or hate. They will feel your truth and energy. If you are feeling love and not hate, they will feel that love. They will then have the choice to accept that as their truth. It may take time, but Love produces love.

What is your life, the YOU that powers you. What is your significance? What is your connection to the world? What is it that brings you peace. What is your true inner knowing.

We each are unique and individual but we are not separate from the whole. We are still connected to all others and life. We are called to step into our own shoes so to speak, for maybe your choice is to go barefoot. Are you living your life according to your true purpose? In your connection to all other life, are you acting out of love and possibilities? We are each here to connect and interact with life. This journey is important. Each choice we make and everything around us has an impact on life. Whichever you choose, your choice does have an impact on others and your environment. What is your energy ball? How are you affecting others and life on this planet and universe?

Blessings,

With Infinite Love & Gratitude,

Debbie