In my earlier years, I initiated contact with many friends and family. At that time, my relationships were all relatively happy and we had quite a few friends. As time went on, I began to feel burdened. I felt I was always the one doing the calling and inviting and I felt unappreciated and unvalued. I started to call less and started to feel more and more lonely.
It is easy for us to blame others for our decisions and harder to step up and be honest with them. I wish it didn't take me so long to learn this. Now I can see the pattern very well. I told myself that if they did not call, they must not care or love me. As a part of my recent changes and realizations, my aha moment is hard to admit, but nonetheless true. I chose to not love them. Out of my hurt, misperceptions, fear of confronting them with my feelings, I chose to withdraw my love from them. Their reasons and involvement in the quality of the our relationship was there to be sure, but it was my behavior that changed and it was my fear and lack of love for myself and them that caused me to withdraw.
I have only to look at some of my most valuable relationships to see how this is true, my grandparents. (Can be any relationship but for my point, I will use grandparents.) Most of us have received many, many years of unconditional love, cookies, ice cream and fun from a grandparent. I was very very lucky to have known all grandparents and even some great-grandparents. Their value in my life has been immeasurable. I love each of them so deeply. But as my family grew and I became self involved, I found less and less time for them. I would think of them, I say, "I should call." But the intentions were most often more true than my actions. I felt love but I did not show love.
So maybe they, (like I thought) think that I do not care because I do not call or visit much. That is bringing tears to my eyes because I do soooo care ("soooo" should be in the dictionary!)
So many times, we cannot see past our own pain or do not want to deal with our own pain so we run away from it or withdraw. It is only by owning our pain and dealing with it that we can love ourselves and the others in our lives. When we do so, we also become more compassionate and forgiving. We become able to see through their pain and hurt to see the little innocent child in them. That is what real love is all about.
I just watched "The Secret Life of Bees" (highly recommend it). It was about a little girl, an innocent child, who was in a situation with adults who could not deal with their own pain. She felt unloved and unlovable. Their is an innocent child in each of us who is hungry for love. When we are hungry for love, there remains a part of us that does not love who we are. Unless we love who we are as a whole person we will not feel happiness and joy. We will remain hurt, unfulfilled and unloved.
This little innocent girl was always lovable. She was always valuable. She was always deserving of unlimited joy and happiness. So are you.
Infinite Love & Gratitude,
Debbie
Note: As a Certified LifeLine Practitioner, I offer sessions on helping people choose to live in love in all areas of their lives. (Relationships, work, personal fulfillment, spiritual growth, pain or stress) Please contact me (dgagala@comcast.net) if interested in facing your fears, hurts, pains or stresses. There is nothing better than living your life from your purpose, passion and vision full of joy. This is my true wish for you. I believe in this, it is my purpose, passion and vision.
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